Alyssa’s Guide to Summer Success

The following is Alyssa’s list of 15 rules for living a non-embarrassing (yes, I know that’s not a word!) summer so that you still have family who loves you, friends that want to be with you…and yes, your dignity, when it’s over and fall rolls around again!

1. Don't light your grill if you think a raccoon has made it his winter home and is still in there...I'm just sayin'....

2. If your heels look like crumbling concrete, you owe it to society to get a pedicure. Do not wear sandals until you do!

3. Self-tanner can be a delicate thing, so proceed with extreme caution! If your legs come out the color of an orange Crayola, that is the signal that you've gone too far!

4. When choosing between Off and Channel No.5, one must go with the latter.

5. Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen! It is the cheapest, easiest, and most effective key to being a hot chick in the nursing home instead of looking like that lady in There's Something About Mary. Seriously.

6. If you've birthed twins, a one-piece might be a better option than a bikini... (I, of all people, can say this!)

7. Nair doesn’t actually work that well.

8. We no longer call “flip-flops” “thongs”. If you’re not sure why, you’ll have to call me. Not printing it here! Just promise me you won't refer to them that way...

9. When attending a summer soiree, it’s best to sip the umbrella-clad drink slowly and to avoid the potato salad unless it has been on ice.

10. I beg of thee not to wear flesh-colored hose with shorts. N.o.t. g.o.o.d.!!!

11. If you have giant tattoos of past boyfriends’ names, you may want to think twice before wearing that cute little dress with spaghetti straps from Loft!

12. Really only Daisy Duke was born to wear “Daisy Dukes”! (Help me out here, people…)

13. It’s time to get outside and get active when the Lifetime Television movie schedule is cycling back through for a second run.

14. Pluck early and often! Whether they’re jet black or shiny white, chin hairs show up plain as day in the glistening sunlight of baseball games or girlfriend time around the pool!

15. To the list of “Things to Shave”, please do add “the big toes”. Come on now, someone has to say it!

Happy Summer, Friends!


Question: What other rules can YOU think of? Please feel free to leave them as comments!

I Hate My Stomach, but Thank God it's Not My Face!

I've always had issues with my body...er...temple.

I've been taller than my peers since before I can remember, reaching full height and a size 9 shoe (leopard-print of course!) in 5th grade.

Puberty reared it's ugly head long before I thought it should have & before any of my friends were experiencing it.

Braces, acne medicine, and every monthly issue of Seventeen Magazine still weren't enough to make this temple feel like the Crystal Cathedral!

All that aside, I can say that I was a late bloomer and feel much better about myself late-thirties than I did late-twenties.

Hence the moment that I looked down at at my saggy-fleshed, stretch-mark-laden stomach and thought with accepting resolve & a heavy sigh, "Well, I hate my stomach, but THANK GOD it's not my face!"

See, God doesn't care what I look like , as long as I am making the most of what he has given me and I am healthy. And no matter what I (as we all are) am beautiful to him even at my worst. He does want me to love and accept myself, though, and not spend time obsessing about my body and its imperfections. That time and energy spent obsessing should be put to better use for something that expands His Kingdom!

Not that I think he wants us to let it all go & just give up...something tells me He just wants us to take some cotton pickin' action, get it under control, and move ON!

I could have fed a small nation with the money I have spent on diet aids and personal training.
Then I finally heard the call: "Take some cotton pickin' action, get it under control, and go feed that small nation that is waiting on you to better the Kingdom!"

And so what if my stomach isn't my fav.? Everybody has something they don't like...what we are supposed to do is learn to focus on the beautiful parts of our outer and inner selves and then teach the young girls in our lives to do the same...and then go better that Kingdom!

Question: What's your favorite part of your physical appearance? Take a moment to thank God for it.

What 3 Things?

A: The Bible, my make-up, and leopard-print shoes.
Q: What 3 things would you want with you if you were stranded on a deserted island?

First of all, ...ahh...to be stranded...I can think of nothing lovelier! ...Peace...quiet...no email...no phone...no TV...I repeat...peace...and...q..u..i..e..t...aahhhhh.....

Second, let's just assume that my husband and 2 boys are with me...it would be just too much to bear to think otherwise, so they are obviously on the other side of the island happily catching fish for dinner with their bare hands, of course.

So why, then, those particular 3 things to have with my stranded self?
1. The Bible.
Need I say more? It's the Bible. The B-I-B-L-E. Yes, that's the book for me. (Sorry, I digress as I am reminded of an old-school song!) Just picture it. Sitting in the sand for hours, under a palm tree, tropical breeze blowing, cabana boy bringing me a drink with a little umbrella (oops! There I go again...), with uninterrupted time~ hour upon hour (remember the peace, quiet, no phone, no email thing?)~ to basque in the Word and unlock the secrets of the Kingdom of God? ...time to process them...time to journal about them...and quiet enough to hear Him speak to me through them.

2. My make-up.
I really do not care that this is completely impractical! When I look pulled-together, I feel pulled-together! Having on make-up makes me feel ready for the day, presentable, polished, smarter, and like I care enough about myself to put forth some effort (which is actually the case). ...And of course, my vitamin c with sunscreen is in my make-up bag, so that my family and I are protected from the harsh uva and uvb rays during our "stranded phase" as it will come to be known...I mean, really, only an irresponsible women would let herself become stranded without it... (!!!!)

3. Leopard-print shoes.
This just goes without saying! Maybe a peep-toe, platform, heel is a little much for island life, so possibly I should go for a sassy leopard flat here? (I very well may have an animal print addiction, just so that is "out" right here and now!) My theory is that I can think better in leopard-print shoes (and also zebra) than plain black, flip-flips with sequins, and even strappy snakeskins. They bring out my God-given creativity and sass! I think that if stranded on a deserted island wearing leopard-print shoes, I really could start a fire with 2 sticks, build a grass hut, kill/clean/and cook my own dinner (cause let's face it, even if the men in my family are with me, I am still going to be the one calling the shots people!)...all of that stuff...bare-handed...just as long as I am not bare-footed!

Question: What are your 3 things and why?

Hooks

Hooks.

All I want is hooks.

In every bathroom. Every time.

I really don't think I am asking for that much...really....am I?

So why is it that I continually "eliminate" while staring at the two holes where the hook used to be on the stall door?

...While juggling my purse clinched between chin and chest, right hand holding up my calf-length coat, left hand trying to help thyself shimmey up the tights while somehow preventing my skirt from getting tucked into the back of them.... Oh, crud! Lip gloss falls out of the chin-and-chest-clinched purse and rolls under the stall door and out by the sink...all this while wearing 3-inch leopard-print heels and cussing the name of whom ever has done this to me.

Cause WHERE is the cotton-pickin' hook, for the love of Pete!

Seriously? Where IS the hook? Every hook in America...With every lost sock from the laundry and every pen that was only used once?!?!?!?

Once on a rare occasion when I did find (music swells, spotlight casts) A HOOK, I went straight to Customer Service and thanked them for having a hook. The associate looked at me as though she might be pushing a secret button under the counter to call for back-up. My son said I had just terribly embarrassed him. I was just simply expressing my gratitude for the simple things in life.

And DO I need to seek some good counsel just because I just don't want to place my purse on the floor of a less-than-sterile gas station bathroom? What if I forget that I sat it there and then go home and set it on my kitchen island?

I really don't need tons of stuff in life...

To be in the presence of God.
To wake up next to my beloved husband.
To be loved by my children (even when I embarrass them or make them mad).
To have my dog wag her tail when she sees me.

And to have a @(*#^(*% hook on the back of the bathroom door!
EVERY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Question: What simple thing in life have you been taking for granted?