How to Behave Like a Decent Human Being in the Grocery Store
An Essay by Alyssa McCool
Hey, I'm no Emily Post or Letitia Baldridge, but I am a 1979 graduate (and I use that term loosely!) of White Gloves and Party Manners! ...My momma made me attend...and much to my dismay at the time, I did learn some very useful social graces that have served me well over the years.
I know how to properly address envelopes whether the couple is married with the same last name, married with different last names, or unmarried. I know how to set the table properly, regardless of the number of courses in the meal. I can handle most social events and know which fork to use, which spoon is for dessert, how to indicate when I am finished eating, walk down the stairs like a lady, answer the phone correctly, even eat an artichoke properly (of course, no one actually needs to know that, but that little detail is highly irrelevant).
Now that's not to say that I do it all correctly all of the time, even though I know HOW to do it. I am, after all, only human (and how much easier life would be if that were not the case!!!). Though I try really hard not to make this particular blunder...I, too, lay invitations aside thinking, "I need to call them about this", only to be horrified as the RSVP date has come and gone and I have neglected to respond. I have occasionally forgotten to call someone back, forgotten a thank you note, or not handled a social situation perfectly. But at least I try!
Oh, it's good stuff, the knowing what to do. "Why", my boys always ask..."Who cares", they want to know. Well, having good manners shows respect for yourself, respect for the people in your presence at the time, and respect for society in general.
But I have decided that there are a few places where a gross lack of etiquette is quite apparent...
... And I have had enough!
... It's time I take a stand!
Maybe I am getting old and bitter, possibly even crotchety...or maybe I am even more type A than I thought (God forbid!)...or maybe I have been the victim of one too many random acts of grocery store rudeness.
Whatever the reason, I simply can't take it anymore!
Forgive me if I sound harsh, it’s just that I feel I must set America straight on the rules of grocery store etiquette!
So let it be heard!... From Marsh to Kroger!... From Super Target to Super Wal-Mart!...
From fresh fruit to frozen food!...
From sea to shining sea!...
These, my fellow Americans, are the rules by which we should shop:
1. The phrase “12 items or less” (which I must point out is grammatically incorrect and should be “12 items or fewer” …oh, I feel so much better) means exactly that. So honey, if you have 13 items, get the heck in the other lane! …maybe that didn’t sound so mannerly or loving…I am so sorry. Please do forgive me. …but still, I do not want to see your face in this line if you have even one item over 12. Play by the rules or don’t play, sister!
2. Please refrain from parking your cart, with your purse in it, in the middle of the aisle, and then walking up and down said aisle looking for items while totally oblivious to the purse-filled cart in the middle. When you do this it leaves me only 2 choices: to stand there pretending to patiently look for something right at the spot where your cart is (while screaming at you inside my head) or to gently move your purse-filled cart over so that I can actually maneuver through the aisle…at which point you, totally oblivious to your rudeness and utter lack of concern for anyone but yourself, think that I am actually trying to steal your purse instead of simply move your car so that I can be on my merry way. NOT a good situation.
3. I beg you to reign in your children. While I adore (most) children, the grocery store can, at times, bring out the little monster in them. And since there are no problems, only opportunities, the grocery store can provide a delightful opportunity to show your child who the boss is…and it is not him! If your little darling starts to act not-so-darling, please do take the proverbial bull by the horns, go to customer service, explain that a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do, leave your cart with them, and take the child to the car for disciplining. Yes, it is a hassle for you. But, it is the right thing to do, the best thing for your child, and the nicest, most respectful thing you can do for every other customer in the store. (As a side note, the same thing applies in restaurants!)
When my own children have acted like heathens in the store, I have jumped on them like the Lone Ranger on Silver (!) and then smiled broadly, apologized profusely to anyone left in our wake saying, “I’m so very sorry! My boys are still learning grocery store etiquette!” At that point they look at me like I am from another planet, further driving home the point that there is an utter lack of concern for doing the right thing socially. Yet somehow it gives me an odd sense of satisfaction to leave them wondering what exactly just happened.
4. Ah, the cell phone… My nemesis! I do not want to be that accessible! (But that part of this topic is another discussion for another day!) While the cell phone is a useful tool, even necessary at times, it is severely over-used! I get that you may need to call home to check on the teen-ager babysitting your little ones while you are shopping…or you might need to call the friend to ask what that secret ingredient was in her Duck a la Orange (though how thoughtful it would have been of you to have done that prior to leaving home!)…or, if you are a man, how very act-of-true-love-ish for you to call home to ask the wife if she would like her Always with wings or without. However, if a phone call you must make, I beg of you to: A.) make it quick, and B.) make it quiet!! Please do not carry on an hour-long conversation trekking up and down every aisle as you loudly converse about your relationship issues. This is rudeness at its extreme! The other shoppers do not care to hear the details, trust me! Please, just be mindful of your fellow man! …Seriously, people!
5. This one is a biggie…and maybe it comes from my many years of teaching first grade and kindergarten: I like it when people follow the rules, darn it!
And one of them is “Do not cut”!
When the lines get long, and the cashiers open another lane, they should have the good sense to look at the “next in line” point-blank in the eyeballs and say, “Ma’am, I’ll take you over here.”
Unfortunately it usually goes something more like this:
*I am 2nd in line.
*Person checking out in front of me, in the express lane, did not follow rule #1, therefore has 25 items and is counting out exact change to the penny, and trying to give multiple coupons, some of which have expired.
*Line gets long behind me.
*New line opens.
*12 year old girl working newly opened register doesn’t even look up as she yells, “Next!”
*While truly I am next, the 7 people in line behind me start running like maniacs who have never been in public, elbowing each other out of the way.
*Of course, in my quest for civility, I did not join in the maniacal clobbering to get to the other line, so there I stand…stunned…and most notably, still waiting behind 25 item person!!
(Here’s a hint about what’s supposed to happen if check out girl doesn’t take charge and tell everyone who is coming over next: The person behind person #2 in line says with a smile, “Hey, you’re next, so how about you go first and I’ll follow you over to that line?” See how civil that is…delightful!)
This very scenario recently happened to me at my local grocery…except that it was exacerbated by the fact that I was in the biggest of big hurries and more than one lane opened and, while I was #2 in line, no one made any attempt to disperse the line in the order in which it was formed. (The control freak in me just about went off the freakin’ edge cause all we needed here was some sensible person to take charge and start directing people…I think I would have been a good choice….I would’ve done it with a sweet voice and a lovely smile!) The chick in front of me was not only counting out coupons and correct change, she was also having an in-depth conversation with the clerk about something (truly) meaningless. I had no paper bag to breathe into, so while practicing my deep cleansing breaths and positive self-talk, trying to embody what it is that Jesus would do, and not stab this chick in the eye with my leopard-print stiletto, I decided that I must become the voice of store etiquette and write about it!
And finally…
6. After placing your bagged groceries in the back end of your car, please do take the extra 30 seconds to place your cart in the receptacle. For the love of Pete, people, it takes all of 30 seconds! This alleviates the wind blowing your cart into my headlights while I am shopping! Putting it “away where it goes” allows the elderly lady to pull into that choice parking spot that she actually needs. And it just shows respect for the store property, it shows respect for the property of others, namely their expensive cars that they don’t want scratched, and it’s just the right thing to do! Frankly, folks, it’s just good manners!
So, at the risk of sounding however I just sounded, I am glad I’ve aired my grocery grievances…
Maybe you’ll think of what I’ve said…
Maybe you’ll copy this blog and “accidentally” drop it at the feet of some rude dude in the store to teach him a lesson…
Whatever the outcome, I feel better, vindicated even, just having said it!
But know this…
I’ll be watching you…like a good store security camera…I’ll be watching.
Question: What's the worst etiquette you've encountered in a store? What's something you could do sometime to show manners and respect to others?
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